The Hand, the DJ Marcus’s Feet and Satish

a story in 109 days

Day 87

Wake.  I’m on the ceiling looking down.  And I watch.  I watch Tina hover over bandages and tubes.  This is the reconstruction project.  I see tubes going into tubes – no, the second must be my arms, because I see lovely hands at the ends.  I see most white/red fabric, like building tarps scattered around this City block.  But I see fields, patches of what must be skin, all rippled, like water in an angry wind.  And I watch with wonder as Tina takes cream from tubes and massage it gently to into these whipped areas to calm the waters.  (I seriously suck at metaphors – field or pond?  Field or pond?)  If there’s a sound track here, its Wires…

 

I am awake all day I think, or all shift.  Tina works on me for hours.  I see her sit every hour. And rip off her plastic gloves.  But head in hands and take deep breaths.  And then she stands, grabs new gloves and begins again.

 

I see Harry, hand on her shoulder, walking around the City block, checking all the screens.  I’ve decided I’m Times Square during all the construction to make it more ‘pedestrian.’  (Oddly appropriate pun here)  I’m a City Block surrounded by screens.  I am blessed to have Harry and Tina.  They have given me these 100 days and I think them.  I’ve not felt any pain, Tina. I’ve felt safe and protected Harry.  And I’ve finally felt your hands and the good works they do….

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Day 86

Katie here.  We’ve had a lot of silent days here.  And I promised this to Satish.  Here are my favourite bits from Steve Jobs 2005 Commencement address at Stanford:

 

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?” And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

 

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

 

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

 

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

 

 

Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Day 85

SATISH:  WE HAVE TO LIVE IN THE HOUSE WE’RE IN AS IF ITS THE LAST.

 

Her. Good enough.  I think there’s a lot of versions of this.

 

SATISH:  I’M NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS..

 

Her:  There’s nothing to be good at here Satish.  We’re one in a billion going through this?  Why should this be different? Why should this be important?   It is only important because it is about us.  It’s only importance is that it is uniquely and completely about us.  It’s meaning is in the poo stories.  That’s where it is.

 

SATISH:  WELL, LET’S SEE THIS THROUGH.  GOODBYE KATIE.

 

Her:  Stick with him Satish.  We love you.  We need you.  Stick with him.

 

SATISH:  WELL, BACK TO THE  FAT FUCKING TUDOR MARCHMALLOW WITH POO IN HIS PANTS.

Day 84

IT:  THE LEFT HAND IS A BACK. HE’LL LIKE THAT.  BUT IT IS CLEAR WE HAVE TO GET ON WITH THINGS.  I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR HIM TO GET AROUND TO THE LESSONS.  AND HERE THEY ARE:

 

Her:  No!

 

IT:  I’VE THOUGHT ABOUT THIS…

 

Her:  No.  You have been search for a meaning for the pain, Satish.  I understand that.  You’ve taken it all.  There has to be a reason.  And there is.  So we can talk about the last house.  So we can make sure we are important to each other now.  But that’s it.  There’s no meaning behind YOUR PAIN or OUR PAIN.  There’s no greater importance.

 

SATISH:  FUCK THIS KATIE.

 

Her:  I agree Satish. Fuck this.  But don’t try to equate meaningfulness with pain.  Makes a mockery of both.   Stay with us and help us through Satish.  We’ll do it together.

 

Stroke.

Day 83

Day 82

Me:  Day?

 

Her:  8… 2

 

Me:  Hey Maggie.

 

Her:  Hey Dad.

 

Me:  get the left hand working please

 

Her:  trying dad.

 

Stroke

 

Me: Day?

 

Her:  8…2

 

Me:  That’s good/home.  How r u Vik?

 

Her:  ok.  we miss you.

 

Me: 3 is finished.  But un-written.

 

Her:  we’re working on it.

 

Strokes, from Katie

 

Strokes, from Lauren

 

Strokes, from Connor

 

Strokes, from Maggie.

 

Strokes.   Ohh. Lewies face.

Day 81

Me: Day?

 

Her:  8…1

 

Me: Do something Nurse Wonder.

 

Her.  We’re trying.